Coffee with Luke – Telstra Has Officially Lost the Plot

 “We Can’t Do That” – The Story of Telstra’s Favourite Phrase

You know what? I’m furious. I am beyond frustrated, and I’ve had it up to here with Telstra. I honestly don’t even know where to start because there’s just so much to unpack.

I’ve been a loyal Telstra customer for over 10 years. Not 10 days, not 10 months — a decade. I’ve stuck by Telstra through thick and thin. I’ve paid my bills, I’ve upgraded my phones, I’ve renewed my plans — and not once did I think I’d end up being treated like just another problem to be pushed around and dismissed.

Let’s talk about Upgrade and Protect — a service I’ve had on my account for YEARS. It gave me peace of mind. If something went wrong with my phone, I knew I’d be taken care of. But now? Gone. Just like that. No message. No email. No warning. Nothing. And when I called to ask about it, the response I got was absolutely laughable:

“You can only add Upgrade and Protect when signing up for a new plan.”

Sorry, what? You’ve literally added it to my existing plan multiple times before. Now suddenly it’s against the rules? Where was that rule last year when it was added without an issue?

The Madness Doesn’t Stop There

When I raised the issue, I thought maybe I’d get a proper explanation. A solution. But no — I got a carousel of confusion. I was bounced around from team to team like a pinball in a broken machine. Everyone had a different answer. No one took ownership. No one actually helped.

So, I did what any reasonable person would do — I escalated it. I made multiple complaints. And you know what came out of it?

“The resolution is to cancel your current plan, return your phone, and sign up to a new plan. Then we can add Upgrade and Protect again. And don’t worry — we’ll waive the fees.”

Oh, great! So let me just send back the phone I’m using — the only phone I have — and magically go without one while Telstra takes their sweet time setting up a new plan? Seriously? What world are you living in?

And even then, why go through that whole song and dance when you could just fix the problem on my current plan? It’s not rocket science. This isn’t some high-level request. I just want back the service I always had — the one YOU took off without my permission.

“We Can’t Do That.” – The Line I’ve Heard Too Many Times

I swear, if I hear “we can’t do that” one more time, I’ll lose it. It’s always:

  • “We can’t add it.”

  • “We can’t change it.”

  • “We can’t make exceptions.”

  • “We can’t process that request.”

But you know what you can do? You can make it difficult for your customers. You can pass them around in circles. You can give them the runaround until they’re drained and defeated. I’m not just dealing with a broken system — I’m dealing with people who don’t want to help and can’t be bothered to care.

It’s Not Just a Service. It’s About Respect.

Let me say this loud and clear: this isn’t just about Upgrade and Protect anymore.

It’s about principle.
It’s about trust.
It’s about being treated with basic respect as a customer.

You removed something from my plan without telling me. Then you made it impossible to fix. Then you offered an “alternative” that leaves me without a phone. And when I push back? You pass the buck or say it’s too hard. That’s not customer service. That’s a joke.

I even went to the Telecommunications Industry Ombudsman — and honestly, I shouldn’t have had to. But nothing else was working. I was being ignored, fobbed off, and disrespected every time I tried to get someone — anyone — at Telstra to do the right thing.

Telstra: You’ve Got One Job — And You’re Not Doing It

This is about more than a phone plan. It’s about a business failing to take care of its customers. Failing to own up to its mistakes. Failing to listen.

Sometimes, I just want to scream at them:

“LISTEN HERE — IT’S NOT THAT HARD TO DO YOUR JOB PROPERLY.”

I’m not asking for the moon. I’m asking for a service that was already mine to be put back where it belongs. And Telstra’s response has been nothing short of pathetic.

It’s not about what’s easiest for Telstra. It’s about what’s fair for the customer. I’m not here to jump through your hoops and play by your ever-changing, inconsistent rules. I want what I was promised. I want to feel like I matter.

To Anyone Reading This

If you’re thinking about signing up with Telstra — think twice. Because if something goes wrong, you might end up stuck in the same nightmare I’m living right now.

And to Telstra — if you’re reading this:
Do better.
Fix this.
Stop hiding behind policies and actually start helping people.

This has been one seriously bitter brew.

— Luke ☕️

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